Helpful decorating tips

One of the best things about air travel is the "SkyMall" catalog. Located in the seat pocket in front of you, this catalog always presents a fascinating collection of products. A hot new item that they are offering these days is the Hardwood Hideaway. "Solid hardwood dog kennel doubles as a sophisticated end table!" The Hardwood Hideaway, pictured right, will add "style and class to your home", explains SkyMall. In case you were wondering, the Hardwood Hideaway does function as a nightstand as well.

If you plan to buy the Hardwood Hideaway, then you are going to need a few cans of Poop Freeze, also available from SkyMall. This item may be found by going to www.skymall.com and searching the site for the term "poop". Here is the product description:

"Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your 'dooty' and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer 'crust' that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed."

It is safe for humans and pets! Who needs indoor plumbing then, right? Thanks to SkyMall, you can lock your golden retriever inside the nightstand, and then poop on the carpet, all the while adding sophistication and class to your home.

A Season to Remember About: Installment II

Disappointment: PB Ballers 75ish - Marauders 50 or so

San Diego, CA: The third time was not a charm for the Marauders, as the losses just keep on coming in the BOSS 6'2" and Under Men's Basketball league. The PB Ballers easily overcame a variety of zone defenses, and the Marauders could not keep up with prolific scorer Jeff Pucci. As matter of fact, the Marauders are still not sure exactly which one of the PB Ballers was actually Jeff Pucci. Says utility reserve guard shipping + receiving manager Gary "Last week they had this short guy with a crew-cut, and I figured that guy had to be Pucci, but he's not here this week".

While the point total improves on their last game's paltry 26, Maruaders fans shouldn't put too much hope in that statistic. As power forward/assistant coach Luis puts it "In the second half they were just (putting forth less than a full, sincere effort) around with us".

There could be a long list of reasons for why the Marauders are struggling to win games: inexperience, lack of chemistry, uniforms identical to opponents', Caucasian grandparents at guard spots matched against college kids from a certain ethnic background considered to have a genetic athletic advantage - all of these factors have been adding up to lop-sided defeat. As the Marauder's beat writer, my conclusion is that the biggest concern is mismanagement of talent. Certain players best suited for particular tasks are not performing those tasks enough, and instead other players not as well suited are performing those tasks more. For example, I am a good scorer. The rest of the team is not good at scoring. The solution is that I should stop passing the ball to the less capable teammates, and try to shoot more. Furthermore, I have proven to be the only Marauder who, on a consistent basis, is capable of dribbling the ball across the court in the presence of defenders and then passing to an open teammate. The intelligent thing for the Marauder's to do is to designate all ball-handling activities to me.

These changes ought to be made for the Marauders from the top. Under the current system, the coaching staff consists loosely of two guys named "Luis". The best case scenario would be an official coaching switch, wherein I take the place of both Luises. It may be difficult to explain the benefits of this to the Luises and the rest of the team though (I don't think they read the blog), so the next best alternative is for me to implement the changes from the floor without "running it by" the team first per se.

Marauder's fans might have reason to look forward to Monday night's showdown with Kappa Alpha. The changes should go well, and if nothing else, will lead to an interesting blog entry next week.

Scrumptulescent

Sources tell us that the term "ginormous" is now recognized officially as a word. Webster's online defines ginormous as "simply huge; extremely large". Note that it can also be used as an adverb, "ginormously". An example of "ginormous" in a sentence would go like, "The bear management specialists captured a very ginormous bear."

In Animal News...

Thanks to alert reader Reggie Cleveland for forwarding a story with the headline "Zoo's Outback train kills kangaroo on tracks". Basically, there is a train running through the "Australian Adventure" area, aka the kangaroo pen, of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo. Why the zoo's management felt it was prudent to install a railroad in the kangaroo habitat is anyone's guess, but believe it or not, this train has a history of kangaroo collisions. Five of them in fact, the latest resulting in a 'roo fatality.

The story does not end there however, because now PETA wants the zoo fined for the kangaroo death. According to the story "PETA is asking the U.S. Department of Agriculture to levy "harsh penalties" against the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo".

The story continues: "The corpse flower isn't the only thing that stinks at the Cleveland Zoo. How many more animals have to suffer and die before the zoo is forced to clean up its act?" says PETA Director Debbie Leahy. "The zoo had five chances to save another kangaroo from being hurt but did nothing for seven years. The USDA must investigate and assess all appropriate penalties and fines."

In May, a female wolf was killed by other members of her pack. In 2005, three Wallabies died after eating a corpse flower, a toxic plant that was placed in their enclosure by a zoo employee; a Grant's zebra died from a ruptured aorta after being kicked by another zebra; and a gorilla died after he was anesthetized for an examination. In 2003, a lion died after being attacked by another lion.

As a commenter about 8 comments below the article notes: "Those zoo keepers should have seen that zebra planning the attack on the other zebra, it was so obvious."

When this whole kangaroo/train saga first came to my attention, I refrained from publishing it "out of respect" for the kangaroos, you could say. As alert reader Reggie Cleveland points out though, "Once PETA gets involved, anything's fair game". Pun intended.

Please Use Can Openers

The FDA was in the news recently with this release:

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning consumers not to eat 10 ounce cans of Castleberry’s Hot Dog Chili Sauce (UPC 3030000101), Austex Hot Dog Chili Sauce (UPC 3030099533), and Kroger Hot Dog Chili Sauce (UPC 1111083942) with “best by” dates from April 30, 2009 through May 22, 2009 due to possible botulism contamination. Botulism can be fatal. The “best by dates” can be found on the can lids.

It is unclear as to whether it would be safe to eat the Hot Dog Chili Sauce after removing it from the cans. One tends to believe that it will always be hazardous to "eat 10 ounce cans", regardless of the contents. In any case, it might be in everyone's best interest to eat less Hot Dog Chili Sauce, botulism or no botulism.

If You Can't Beat the System... Break It!

MOVIE REVIEW: BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

You will have to work to find your copy of this week's movie for review. However, "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" is worth searching for. I've never actually seen "Breakin' 1", but the important thing is that Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo "Shabba Doo" Quinones and Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers were all able to make it back to star in the sequel.

Early on we are introduced (reintroduced?) to two enthusiastic break dancing youths named Ozone and Turbo. Ozone and Turbo love to dance, and they dress just like Michael Jackson does, so of course they are two very cool guys. Much of the plot (there are only about 4 minutes of total plot, so take that for what it is) centers on the relationship between Ozone and leading lady Kelly. Kelly looks like Mary Lou Retton, and is on the fast track to a promising career in theatre. She comes from wealth, and her parents spend most of their time sitting around a pool, as wealthy people love to do, plotting and scheming on how to convince their daughter to spend less time with Ozone and Turbo, whom they hold in low regard.

As if Kelly's pressures at home weren't enough, back in Ozone's neighborhood a developer wants to build a shopping center on the site of a beloved community center where the break dancing community tends to gather. I suppose that it goes without saying that the developer is an evil developer. Everyone knows by now that developers are the scourge of civilization.

Can Kelly, Ozone, and Turbo save the community center? Will Kelly's parents learn to accept her friends? I won't give you the answer - you have to watch for yourselves - but I will tell you that the answer involves a cameo by Ice-T.

Mahatma Culpepper

The Miami Dolphins released quarterback Daunte Culpepper on Monday. The Dolphins owed $51.5 million on his contract, but he demanded to be released. Here is an excerpt from an AP story wherein Daunte discusses the situation:

"As I was going through this process I heard about a quote by Gandhi that best expresses my thoughts about this victory: 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win,"' Culpepper, who serves as his own agent, said in an e-mail. "Now that I have won my freedom and I get to choose my next team, I am just like many other people who have to go out and find employment so that I can take care of my family."

Very insightful. Especially the "then they ridicule you" part.