The Life and Death of a Coffee Table

There are many great things about life as a bachelor. One of them is the flexibility for innovation in home décor.

When I relocated to San Diego three years ago, I loaded up a U-Haul with furniture I had accumulated over the years, and some pieces that my family no longer had use for. I unpacked and settled into my suburban apartment, and soon realized I had nowhere to prop my feet while sitting on my couch watching TV. After carefully deliberating all the options at the local Wal-Mart, I finally decided on the cheapest coffee table available.

By the world's standards, she wasn't the most beautiful coffee table. It had no glass top or handy compartments; no fancy ornamentations or legs that curve inward and outward and resemble animal paws. Coasters were not necessary. It was just a slate of common wood with four legs.

But this simple surface soon became an integral part of the apartment's life. Roommates eventually moved in and our domestic activities centered around this shared table. We put our beverages on it and it graciously held the remote control.

Occasionally the table would take some abuse. It had to be moved quite often to make room for working out in the living room, which took a toll on its poor legs. From time to time one roommate would, in his enthusiasm for inflicting punishment, throw another roommate into the table. Our coffee table quietly endured these trials and held together - for a while. It's aged limbs would become weary and wobbly. Duct tape held her together for a while, but as you can see in the picture, we eventually had to amputate.

After the surgery, it was difficult to adapt. Meals weren't quite the same. Drinks would slide to the floor. I could never find the remote.

One day that happy summer, upon returning from the beach, we discovered that a cooler, coupled with a shoe box, made a perfect Styrofoam prosthesis for that crippled coffee table. She was as level as she was on the day I assembled her. We had a place to put things again. It was just like old times.

The remaining months were peaceful, but it became apparent that although our coffee table was level again, it was in the waning moments of its life.

Friends, tonight this table held its last drink, its last book and its last foot. Fare thee well, dear coffee table. Fare thee well.

Helpful decorating tips

One of the best things about air travel is the "SkyMall" catalog. Located in the seat pocket in front of you, this catalog always presents a fascinating collection of products. A hot new item that they are offering these days is the Hardwood Hideaway. "Solid hardwood dog kennel doubles as a sophisticated end table!" The Hardwood Hideaway, pictured right, will add "style and class to your home", explains SkyMall. In case you were wondering, the Hardwood Hideaway does function as a nightstand as well.

If you plan to buy the Hardwood Hideaway, then you are going to need a few cans of Poop Freeze, also available from SkyMall. This item may be found by going to www.skymall.com and searching the site for the term "poop". Here is the product description:

"Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your 'dooty' and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer 'crust' that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed."

It is safe for humans and pets! Who needs indoor plumbing then, right? Thanks to SkyMall, you can lock your golden retriever inside the nightstand, and then poop on the carpet, all the while adding sophistication and class to your home.