Puppy Bowl

Puppy Bowl V ran the same day as Super Bowl XLIII. If you aren't familiar with this event (Puppy Bowl), imagine if someone were to dump a couple dozen puppies onto a little model football field, throw in some chew toys, and then film it. Imagine if this program were to run for two hours. Just a bunch of dogs rolling around and bumping into each other, to the accompaniment of "play-by-play", which, because there are no plays to call, ends up being more of a relentless litany of dog/football related puns.

Two hours, and in case you miss anything, all five Puppy Bowls are available for sale on DVD.

There is no game, there are no points, and there almost is no point... except: If it weren't for the Puppy Bowl, there would be no material to inspire a post on George McFly's Left Hook for the first time in quite a while. GMLH is back. Go tell your friends.

New Sky Mall Summer 2008 Catalog

Last winter, as some readers may recall, Nerf shook up the foam projectile arms market when the formidable N-Strike Long Shot CS-6 was introduced. With a groundbreaking scope, it promised to change the Nerf battlefield forever and competitors were left scrambling for an answer. Almost a year later, the first alternative arrives : The Marshmallow Shooter now makes a serious bid for the customers of the Long Shot, making Nerf's scope technology seem obsolete by featuring an LED beam site, for improved accuracy. And the innovation doesn't stop there: the back of the box includes a built-in target for "practice". It is of the utmost necessity to make frequent use of the practice target; there will be no room for error when we face the enemy!

While this is clearly a response to Nerf's Long Shot, Sky Mall won't admit it. Rather, the product description makes reference to the Shooter's superiority over "other mallow blasters". One supposes that the Sky Mall advertising guys were trying to divert attention from an embarrassing short-coming of the Mallow Shooter: it's 30 foot range, while respectable, comes woefully short of the Long Shot's industry-leading 35 foot range. In light of this, the Shooter's flashy LED site would appear to be nothing but a cheap gimmick, and this may be why the Sky Mall front office tries to turn the conversation to these "other" mallow weapons they speak of.

Could it be the marketers who have fallen short, rather than the product? Consider that the Mallow Shooter actually does have a significant advantage over the Long Shot, because it fires readily available mini-marshmallows. Nerf ammunition is a somewhat rare and costly commodity, so Sky Mall engineers have really devised a very clever work-around. They turn to something as innocent as your local grocery store for an economical solution to the global shortage of foam projectiles. Considering that their mallow bazooka's retail price already undercuts the Long Shot by roughly $5, Sky Mall suddenly positions itself to level the world-wide balance of power, by providing poorer nations with a world class foam-weapons upgrade.

With this perspective, it becomes more clear why the Sky Mall marketers "overlooked" their new weapon's most appealing feature; Sky Mall would have to deal with an unpleasant public uproar were it known that this Bazooka, if successful, will ratchet up the price of mini marshmallows by turning them into weapons.

I do not mean to paint Sky Mall as some sort of cold, heartless, warmonger. Sky Mall makes valuable contributions to the lives of everyone with their catalog of wonderful and exciting products. So in the interest of balanced reporting, I present the "Pet's Observation Dome". While you may not be ready to tear down that wall between you and your neighbor, at least make a first baby step toward peace today, by poking a big hole in it. Imagine the delight of your neighbors when they step into their backyard one morning and realize that they are being observed by your pet, through a slick new Observation Dome, freshly installed! Sky Mall notes that "(s)pacing several portholes along the fence gives your pet an unfettered view of its surroundings".

Some skeptics have vented complaints in the "comments" section for this product. Apparently, the Dome is prone to fog up with a pet's head inside of it, and furthermore, drool tends to collect on the bottom. Both problems are easily remedied! Just install holes into the porthole to release dog exhaust and allow drool to drain, dribbling neatly out of sight on your neighbor's side of the fence.

Tampa Bay Rays Update!

Following a shrewd team-name adjustment during the off-season, the franchise formerly known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays is enjoying a successful 2008 campaign. The "Rays" and their radiating beacon of victory are still holding onto first place in the hotly contested AL East, even late in the season as this post is being written.

On Wednesday night, the excitement continued to build throughout a six run rally in the ninth inning against the Cleveland Indians. Here is the general press release that has been in circulation about that game. Of particular interest is the fourth-paragraph quotation from Carlos Pena, who slugged a three run dinger to win it:

"That's something that we definitely think about it and envision," Pena said. "We actually see it in reality at the same time. It's very important for us that we also put it in perspective. We know it's great, we're enjoy it, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. We never lose focus in the fact, 'Hey, let's play the game today.' It's most important for us."

It isn't clear to what he is responding ("Mr. Pena, can you elaborate on how the Tampa Bay Rays are like the Puppy that Lost Its Way?), but his response seems pretty deep, and it prompts the following thought: You know who might be a great girl for Carlos Pena? Miss Teen South Carolina. They could talk about maps together:

South Carolina: You know Carlos, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as in South Africa...

Carlos: Snookie-pie, that's something that we definitely think about it and envision... we actually see it in reality at the same time!

South Carolina: Yes, but as I was saying, I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children, don't you think?

Carlos: Whoa baby, we just met! Our children? We know its great. We're enjoy it... but let's not get ahead of ourselves! Look, we never lose focus in the fact, 'Hey, let's play the game today.' It's most important for us! But it's very important for us that we also put it in perspective.

Anyway, things look good for the Rays, and if nothing else, all of this is hurting the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Happy Birthday Hilaire Belloc!

Here are a couple of my favorite poems by Hilaire Belloc in honor of his 138th Birthday. But mostly I just wanted to add another number to the "poetry" label to make it seem like we're pretty cultured.

Sonnet XXXI

The world’s a stage. The trifling entrance fee

Is paid (by proxy) to the registrar,

The Orchestra is very loud and free

But plays no music in particular.

They do not print a programme, that I know.

The caste is large. There isn’t any plot.

The acting of the piece is far below

The very worst of modernistic rot.

The only part about it I enjoy

Is what was called in English the Foyay.

There will I stand apart awhile and toy

With thought, and set my cigarette alight;

And then—without returning to the play—

On with my coat and out into the night.

The Early Morning

The moon on the one hand, the dawn on the other:

The moon is my sister, the dawn is my brother.

The moon on my left and the dawn on my right.

My brother, good morning: my sister, good night.

Movie Review of the Week: Wall-E

Summertime is full of traditions - baseball, fireworks and outdoor grilling, to name a few - and it seems like new traditions emerge all the time. For instance, every summer, when the corn stalks have just grown to reach knee height, and right after Brette Favre indicates that he intends to come out of retirement, Pixar studios releases an excellent film.

It has happened again this year. Wall-E is on par with everything else Pixar has produced, which means that it is a blue-ribbon movie. And unlike other Pixar movies, this one has a real, live, in-the-flesh appearance by none other than Fred Willard. Yes, in a pioneering move, real Fred is inserted amidst the animation, a la Mary Poppins, playing the role of president of BuyNLarge (a fictitious corporation with a very convincing website).

The entire film is, unfortunately, set to a dramatic backdrop of man-made, corporate-sponsored, environmental armageddon. The term "unfortunately" is deliberately chosen here in place of "tragically", because the politically sensitive theme doesn't kill the movie, and the plot-line and overall message of Wall-E aren't really what could be called "AlGorey". Just the same, promoting any sort of environmentalist message, no matter how tame, seems in today's society to be analogous to promoting an anti-witchcraft message in colonial Massachusetts. In a vacuum, both messages are potentially valuable; but in context, they're just problematic. I am sorry, but I have to dock Wall-E one star just for flirting with the subject. So that's 3 stars to Wall-E. Could have been 4, Pixar! Good thing for you, nobody cares about my opinions...

New Blog Post!

Please enjoy this picture of five South Korean drug-sniffing dog clones chasing a ball. This comes in lieu of a written blog post. The picture was on the Drudge Report a couple months ago, and I was impressed by it.

This is just a little something to let you know that I still care. Hopefully this will keep everybody coming back to the site.

Turns out some people actually do like it!

Today I happened to notice that this blog had an unusually large number of hits from Canada. Any hit from Canada is really an unusually large number here, so naturally I was curious as to what was attracting my francophonic, bacon-loving, neighbors-to-the-North in such high numbers. I dug a little deeper and, well, here's what I found:

http://clubsmartcar.com/index.php?showtopic=15414

I offended everyone! Watch them bitterly insult my Civic. Although a Civic may not compare to the prestige offered by a ForTwo "Passion" convertible, I believe that my point still stands - the Smart car just doesn't deliver the fuel efficiency that it's dimensions would suggest. And soccer is totally inferior in the world of athletics; I'm sticking by that one too. Hockey's cool. I digress.

There now comes a need to address the attention that has been given, here and elsewhere, to my 10 year old Civic, for the fact that it is 10 years old, and a Civic. Back off. It has been a fine automobile. Even so, I must admit that I rarely drive it myself anymore; Jeeves fetches the Bentley whenever I need chauffeuring to the helo launch pad, so mostly I keep the Civic for the maid to use when she's out running errands.

Nevertheless, having experienced the public ridicule of my own beloved rig, I'm thinking that it is possible that I'm being a little tough on the ForTwo. Could it be that I am making a rash judgment of the vehicle on looks alone? That would be an error, for by all accounts much of its charm lies in the driving experience. And so it is that I've decided that it would only be right that I offer to perform a test-drive of the Smart ForTwo. Having administered a test-drive, I would then be capable of providing a more properly informed opinion, and I would do so right here on this blog.

There is, however, one precondition: a test-vehicle will require supplying. It seems that an update gets sent to the ForTwo Delta Force Headquarters in Saskatchewan every time the ForTwo gets mentioned in blogosphere, so you people should get this message and can then decide if and how you're going to proceed. This is a win-win for everybody. I would relish the prospect of writing an automotive review, and if I am brought to see the light, then your car should get the support of all of my readers. That is probably like six people right there! And who knows, if I'm really impressed, I might even decide to buy one of these cars for the maid.

Whatever happens, it's been surprising to see that something written here on a whim (and a beer) interested, albeit negatively, but nonetheless interested a substantial number of people with whom I've nothing in common. Today's lesson: offending people is one easy way that you can get attention.