Movie Review of the Week: Wall-E

Summertime is full of traditions - baseball, fireworks and outdoor grilling, to name a few - and it seems like new traditions emerge all the time. For instance, every summer, when the corn stalks have just grown to reach knee height, and right after Brette Favre indicates that he intends to come out of retirement, Pixar studios releases an excellent film.

It has happened again this year. Wall-E is on par with everything else Pixar has produced, which means that it is a blue-ribbon movie. And unlike other Pixar movies, this one has a real, live, in-the-flesh appearance by none other than Fred Willard. Yes, in a pioneering move, real Fred is inserted amidst the animation, a la Mary Poppins, playing the role of president of BuyNLarge (a fictitious corporation with a very convincing website).

The entire film is, unfortunately, set to a dramatic backdrop of man-made, corporate-sponsored, environmental armageddon. The term "unfortunately" is deliberately chosen here in place of "tragically", because the politically sensitive theme doesn't kill the movie, and the plot-line and overall message of Wall-E aren't really what could be called "AlGorey". Just the same, promoting any sort of environmentalist message, no matter how tame, seems in today's society to be analogous to promoting an anti-witchcraft message in colonial Massachusetts. In a vacuum, both messages are potentially valuable; but in context, they're just problematic. I am sorry, but I have to dock Wall-E one star just for flirting with the subject. So that's 3 stars to Wall-E. Could have been 4, Pixar! Good thing for you, nobody cares about my opinions...

New Blog Post!

Please enjoy this picture of five South Korean drug-sniffing dog clones chasing a ball. This comes in lieu of a written blog post. The picture was on the Drudge Report a couple months ago, and I was impressed by it.

This is just a little something to let you know that I still care. Hopefully this will keep everybody coming back to the site.

Turns out some people actually do like it!

Today I happened to notice that this blog had an unusually large number of hits from Canada. Any hit from Canada is really an unusually large number here, so naturally I was curious as to what was attracting my francophonic, bacon-loving, neighbors-to-the-North in such high numbers. I dug a little deeper and, well, here's what I found:

http://clubsmartcar.com/index.php?showtopic=15414

I offended everyone! Watch them bitterly insult my Civic. Although a Civic may not compare to the prestige offered by a ForTwo "Passion" convertible, I believe that my point still stands - the Smart car just doesn't deliver the fuel efficiency that it's dimensions would suggest. And soccer is totally inferior in the world of athletics; I'm sticking by that one too. Hockey's cool. I digress.

There now comes a need to address the attention that has been given, here and elsewhere, to my 10 year old Civic, for the fact that it is 10 years old, and a Civic. Back off. It has been a fine automobile. Even so, I must admit that I rarely drive it myself anymore; Jeeves fetches the Bentley whenever I need chauffeuring to the helo launch pad, so mostly I keep the Civic for the maid to use when she's out running errands.

Nevertheless, having experienced the public ridicule of my own beloved rig, I'm thinking that it is possible that I'm being a little tough on the ForTwo. Could it be that I am making a rash judgment of the vehicle on looks alone? That would be an error, for by all accounts much of its charm lies in the driving experience. And so it is that I've decided that it would only be right that I offer to perform a test-drive of the Smart ForTwo. Having administered a test-drive, I would then be capable of providing a more properly informed opinion, and I would do so right here on this blog.

There is, however, one precondition: a test-vehicle will require supplying. It seems that an update gets sent to the ForTwo Delta Force Headquarters in Saskatchewan every time the ForTwo gets mentioned in blogosphere, so you people should get this message and can then decide if and how you're going to proceed. This is a win-win for everybody. I would relish the prospect of writing an automotive review, and if I am brought to see the light, then your car should get the support of all of my readers. That is probably like six people right there! And who knows, if I'm really impressed, I might even decide to buy one of these cars for the maid.

Whatever happens, it's been surprising to see that something written here on a whim (and a beer) interested, albeit negatively, but nonetheless interested a substantial number of people with whom I've nothing in common. Today's lesson: offending people is one easy way that you can get attention.

Smart Takes Aim at Little Tikes Cozy Coupe

Pictured to the right is the Smart ForTwo car. Smart isn't an editorial adjective of my choosing; rather "Smart" is the name of the manufacturer, a subsidiary of Daimler. These just started to go on sale state-side in January, and they are beginning to show up in traffic with some regularity, at least out here in the Land of Fruits and Nuts.

It looks small in the picture, but when observed on the road, it seems even smaller. A Mini Cooper or Toyota Yaris will dwarf this vehicle. Side by side with the Smart car, something as big as a PT Cruiser will look like a Hummer, or a yacht.

As unique as this car is, there is something undeniably familiar about it. The slope of the roof-line, the mis-proportion of the size of the wheels to the body - we've seen this before. Many, many times in fact. It is obvious upon closer inspection that the would-be breakthrough design queues of the ForTwo are heavily inspired by none other than the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. Yes, take a look at the them both, and the resemblance is clear. Stuff a bear in the trunk of the Smart car, and the two are almost identical. Maybe the name can be changed to Grand Cozy Coupe, and instead of dealerships, Daimler can make an arrangement with Wal-Mart to stock these in the section of the store near the swing-sets.

The Cozy Coupe wins the battle for fuel efficiency, with its Flintstones-style propulsion system eliminating the need for fill-ups. The Smart is not nearly as good in this area, and in fact, may disappoint. One would expect Vespa-esque mileage numbers from a such a goofy looking car, but not so. The 2008 EPA numbers for the ForTwo are 33 city, 41 highway. In a recent Car & Driver magazine test, they reported an average of 32 MPG. All of these numbers are comparable to those of my 10-year-old Civic, which incidentally holds five passengers and looks much less like it belongs on the streets of Toon Town.

So the moral of the story is that the ForTwo might not be as smart of a car as it appears, even with rising fuel prices. Maybe some people will actually like it, but my opinion is that the Smart ForTwo, much like soccer, should have just stayed in Europe.

Windhorst

On a sad note, Cleveland Cavaliers beat writer Brian Windhorst isn't well. Readers who came to Brian's blog tonight hoping to find his coverage of the NBA draft were greeted instead by a somber headline "Brian Windhorst recuperating from illness at area hospital". According to the post, Brian's family asks that his readers "keep him in their thoughts".

Now, I'd like to believe that somebody was in a hurry and just forgot to finish the sentence with "and prayers"... but I wouldn't be surprised if that was on purpose. So if you get a chance, just take a little time and, um, ponder the concept of Brian Windhorst. Hopefully he'll be better in time for the random seasons in which people send greetings for no particular reason.

Local Hero Thwarts Neighborhood Parking Bully

Controversy on the cul-de-sac isn't anything new to the headlines. The hotly contested, bi-car-length strip of curb has a sour history of vehicular abuses, and it has in recent times become the center of parking instability and unrest in the troubled Park Grossmont residential district.

Some readers may recall during late 2007 when a GMLH investigative report first brought to light the parking atrocities that had occurred here. Our investigation got results, and an improperly parked SUV was ultimately displaced, following months of oppression. At the time, there was optimism that parking peace was restored, but recently, that optimism has faded.

The trouble occurs during late afternoon, when residents are returning from work to a mostly empty cul-de-sac. In recent weeks, GMLH editors have observed that the owner of a Suburban-type vehicle often arrives first, and does his best to park in the exact center of the parking area. When so positioned, there is no room to park any normal four-wheeled vehicle on either end of the girthy 'burban. A primo parking space is thereby available when a priviledged friend arrives shortly thereafter, and the Suburban is moved back a few feet... unless somebody comes along before then, with determination and a very short wheel-base. This is what you can see happening in the picture above.

To recapitulate, the cul-de-sac region has been long prized by the native motorists. When positioned properly, up to two (2) vehicles may be parked simultaneously on the cul-de-sac with ease. It's proximity to the housing units equates to shorter walks from car to apartment at the mercy of to the vicious raw conditions of the San Diego climate. It's also under the light of the neighborhood security lamp; this provides the peace of mind of knowing that your car will be burgled only by bold, confident and/or very high car thieves.

These advantages aside, it is just like any other section of a street, and the Bari Ct. cul-de-sac has always been available on a first come first serve basis. For now, one resident seems to have found a way to save parking for other members of his household, but tonight, our neighbor with the manuevarable Nissan Versa has taken a stand against parking tyranny.

Talking to Myself About Bad Writing Technique

Q: How come you are writing in this hokey Q&A format?
A: Oh, that's just a gimmick I use when I'm not up to the task of constructing full paragraphs, expressive of coherent thoughts. It distracts the reader from the content's inadequacies.

Q: You do realize that's not your own original idea, right?
A: Of course! Two sports writers prominent amongst my readership do this all the time. It wasn't even my idea to spoof the format. Stole that too.

Q: So, who is supposed to be asking the questions?
A: I guess it's me writing down a conversation with myself. When Terry Pluto does articles like this, it always makes me wonder if he is lonely.

Q: Do you have some sort of problem with Terry Pluto? He's a good guy, and I don't understand where all this animosity is coming from.
A: I'm not sure where it comes from either; I admit that it is unprovoked.

Q: Ok, but you're right. Those Q&A articles are a disgrace.
A: I know! I know! And he's been defiling Northeast Ohio's newspapers with them my whole life! Something should come out of his salary every time he submits one.

Q: Yeah!
A: (chuckling)

Q: (unable to come up with anything, presented with this unexpected conversational stall)
A: So, I went to a Padres game the other night.

Q: Good for you.
A: You should really be ending your sentences with question marks to make this flow better. You're the one with the "Q:" in front. This would be a good time to maybe ask a question about the Padres or something.

Q: Can we switch?
A: I don't think Pluto ever does that... but I guess we can try it.

A: This is weird.
Q: And more difficult than I expected.

A: (clearing throat)
Q: Oh right. Um, so how about those Padres?

A: Well, for one thing, the Padres camouflage alternates are the best jerseys in sports today.
Q: What makes them so great?

A: They are great because they simultaneously promote three things that make life good. This jersey is a threefold physical representation of Catholicism, the US military, and baseball.
Q: Great point. Alright, changing the subject, why hasn't there been any content on this blog lately?

A: That is an excellent question!
Q: And that was not an answer.

A: Yeah, but that wasn't a question. You cheated.
Q: This is getting ugly. Time to wrap it up?

A: Yes.