New Sky Mall Summer 2008 Catalog

Last winter, as some readers may recall, Nerf shook up the foam projectile arms market when the formidable N-Strike Long Shot CS-6 was introduced. With a groundbreaking scope, it promised to change the Nerf battlefield forever and competitors were left scrambling for an answer. Almost a year later, the first alternative arrives : The Marshmallow Shooter now makes a serious bid for the customers of the Long Shot, making Nerf's scope technology seem obsolete by featuring an LED beam site, for improved accuracy. And the innovation doesn't stop there: the back of the box includes a built-in target for "practice". It is of the utmost necessity to make frequent use of the practice target; there will be no room for error when we face the enemy!

While this is clearly a response to Nerf's Long Shot, Sky Mall won't admit it. Rather, the product description makes reference to the Shooter's superiority over "other mallow blasters". One supposes that the Sky Mall advertising guys were trying to divert attention from an embarrassing short-coming of the Mallow Shooter: it's 30 foot range, while respectable, comes woefully short of the Long Shot's industry-leading 35 foot range. In light of this, the Shooter's flashy LED site would appear to be nothing but a cheap gimmick, and this may be why the Sky Mall front office tries to turn the conversation to these "other" mallow weapons they speak of.

Could it be the marketers who have fallen short, rather than the product? Consider that the Mallow Shooter actually does have a significant advantage over the Long Shot, because it fires readily available mini-marshmallows. Nerf ammunition is a somewhat rare and costly commodity, so Sky Mall engineers have really devised a very clever work-around. They turn to something as innocent as your local grocery store for an economical solution to the global shortage of foam projectiles. Considering that their mallow bazooka's retail price already undercuts the Long Shot by roughly $5, Sky Mall suddenly positions itself to level the world-wide balance of power, by providing poorer nations with a world class foam-weapons upgrade.

With this perspective, it becomes more clear why the Sky Mall marketers "overlooked" their new weapon's most appealing feature; Sky Mall would have to deal with an unpleasant public uproar were it known that this Bazooka, if successful, will ratchet up the price of mini marshmallows by turning them into weapons.

I do not mean to paint Sky Mall as some sort of cold, heartless, warmonger. Sky Mall makes valuable contributions to the lives of everyone with their catalog of wonderful and exciting products. So in the interest of balanced reporting, I present the "Pet's Observation Dome". While you may not be ready to tear down that wall between you and your neighbor, at least make a first baby step toward peace today, by poking a big hole in it. Imagine the delight of your neighbors when they step into their backyard one morning and realize that they are being observed by your pet, through a slick new Observation Dome, freshly installed! Sky Mall notes that "(s)pacing several portholes along the fence gives your pet an unfettered view of its surroundings".

Some skeptics have vented complaints in the "comments" section for this product. Apparently, the Dome is prone to fog up with a pet's head inside of it, and furthermore, drool tends to collect on the bottom. Both problems are easily remedied! Just install holes into the porthole to release dog exhaust and allow drool to drain, dribbling neatly out of sight on your neighbor's side of the fence.

Tampa Bay Rays Update!

Following a shrewd team-name adjustment during the off-season, the franchise formerly known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays is enjoying a successful 2008 campaign. The "Rays" and their radiating beacon of victory are still holding onto first place in the hotly contested AL East, even late in the season as this post is being written.

On Wednesday night, the excitement continued to build throughout a six run rally in the ninth inning against the Cleveland Indians. Here is the general press release that has been in circulation about that game. Of particular interest is the fourth-paragraph quotation from Carlos Pena, who slugged a three run dinger to win it:

"That's something that we definitely think about it and envision," Pena said. "We actually see it in reality at the same time. It's very important for us that we also put it in perspective. We know it's great, we're enjoy it, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. We never lose focus in the fact, 'Hey, let's play the game today.' It's most important for us."

It isn't clear to what he is responding ("Mr. Pena, can you elaborate on how the Tampa Bay Rays are like the Puppy that Lost Its Way?), but his response seems pretty deep, and it prompts the following thought: You know who might be a great girl for Carlos Pena? Miss Teen South Carolina. They could talk about maps together:

South Carolina: You know Carlos, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as in South Africa...

Carlos: Snookie-pie, that's something that we definitely think about it and envision... we actually see it in reality at the same time!

South Carolina: Yes, but as I was saying, I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children, don't you think?

Carlos: Whoa baby, we just met! Our children? We know its great. We're enjoy it... but let's not get ahead of ourselves! Look, we never lose focus in the fact, 'Hey, let's play the game today.' It's most important for us! But it's very important for us that we also put it in perspective.

Anyway, things look good for the Rays, and if nothing else, all of this is hurting the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Happy Birthday Hilaire Belloc!

Here are a couple of my favorite poems by Hilaire Belloc in honor of his 138th Birthday. But mostly I just wanted to add another number to the "poetry" label to make it seem like we're pretty cultured.

Sonnet XXXI

The world’s a stage. The trifling entrance fee

Is paid (by proxy) to the registrar,

The Orchestra is very loud and free

But plays no music in particular.

They do not print a programme, that I know.

The caste is large. There isn’t any plot.

The acting of the piece is far below

The very worst of modernistic rot.

The only part about it I enjoy

Is what was called in English the Foyay.

There will I stand apart awhile and toy

With thought, and set my cigarette alight;

And then—without returning to the play—

On with my coat and out into the night.

The Early Morning

The moon on the one hand, the dawn on the other:

The moon is my sister, the dawn is my brother.

The moon on my left and the dawn on my right.

My brother, good morning: my sister, good night.

Movie Review of the Week: Wall-E

Summertime is full of traditions - baseball, fireworks and outdoor grilling, to name a few - and it seems like new traditions emerge all the time. For instance, every summer, when the corn stalks have just grown to reach knee height, and right after Brette Favre indicates that he intends to come out of retirement, Pixar studios releases an excellent film.

It has happened again this year. Wall-E is on par with everything else Pixar has produced, which means that it is a blue-ribbon movie. And unlike other Pixar movies, this one has a real, live, in-the-flesh appearance by none other than Fred Willard. Yes, in a pioneering move, real Fred is inserted amidst the animation, a la Mary Poppins, playing the role of president of BuyNLarge (a fictitious corporation with a very convincing website).

The entire film is, unfortunately, set to a dramatic backdrop of man-made, corporate-sponsored, environmental armageddon. The term "unfortunately" is deliberately chosen here in place of "tragically", because the politically sensitive theme doesn't kill the movie, and the plot-line and overall message of Wall-E aren't really what could be called "AlGorey". Just the same, promoting any sort of environmentalist message, no matter how tame, seems in today's society to be analogous to promoting an anti-witchcraft message in colonial Massachusetts. In a vacuum, both messages are potentially valuable; but in context, they're just problematic. I am sorry, but I have to dock Wall-E one star just for flirting with the subject. So that's 3 stars to Wall-E. Could have been 4, Pixar! Good thing for you, nobody cares about my opinions...

New Blog Post!

Please enjoy this picture of five South Korean drug-sniffing dog clones chasing a ball. This comes in lieu of a written blog post. The picture was on the Drudge Report a couple months ago, and I was impressed by it.

This is just a little something to let you know that I still care. Hopefully this will keep everybody coming back to the site.

Turns out some people actually do like it!

Today I happened to notice that this blog had an unusually large number of hits from Canada. Any hit from Canada is really an unusually large number here, so naturally I was curious as to what was attracting my francophonic, bacon-loving, neighbors-to-the-North in such high numbers. I dug a little deeper and, well, here's what I found:

http://clubsmartcar.com/index.php?showtopic=15414

I offended everyone! Watch them bitterly insult my Civic. Although a Civic may not compare to the prestige offered by a ForTwo "Passion" convertible, I believe that my point still stands - the Smart car just doesn't deliver the fuel efficiency that it's dimensions would suggest. And soccer is totally inferior in the world of athletics; I'm sticking by that one too. Hockey's cool. I digress.

There now comes a need to address the attention that has been given, here and elsewhere, to my 10 year old Civic, for the fact that it is 10 years old, and a Civic. Back off. It has been a fine automobile. Even so, I must admit that I rarely drive it myself anymore; Jeeves fetches the Bentley whenever I need chauffeuring to the helo launch pad, so mostly I keep the Civic for the maid to use when she's out running errands.

Nevertheless, having experienced the public ridicule of my own beloved rig, I'm thinking that it is possible that I'm being a little tough on the ForTwo. Could it be that I am making a rash judgment of the vehicle on looks alone? That would be an error, for by all accounts much of its charm lies in the driving experience. And so it is that I've decided that it would only be right that I offer to perform a test-drive of the Smart ForTwo. Having administered a test-drive, I would then be capable of providing a more properly informed opinion, and I would do so right here on this blog.

There is, however, one precondition: a test-vehicle will require supplying. It seems that an update gets sent to the ForTwo Delta Force Headquarters in Saskatchewan every time the ForTwo gets mentioned in blogosphere, so you people should get this message and can then decide if and how you're going to proceed. This is a win-win for everybody. I would relish the prospect of writing an automotive review, and if I am brought to see the light, then your car should get the support of all of my readers. That is probably like six people right there! And who knows, if I'm really impressed, I might even decide to buy one of these cars for the maid.

Whatever happens, it's been surprising to see that something written here on a whim (and a beer) interested, albeit negatively, but nonetheless interested a substantial number of people with whom I've nothing in common. Today's lesson: offending people is one easy way that you can get attention.

Smart Takes Aim at Little Tikes Cozy Coupe

Pictured to the right is the Smart ForTwo car. Smart isn't an editorial adjective of my choosing; rather "Smart" is the name of the manufacturer, a subsidiary of Daimler. These just started to go on sale state-side in January, and they are beginning to show up in traffic with some regularity, at least out here in the Land of Fruits and Nuts.

It looks small in the picture, but when observed on the road, it seems even smaller. A Mini Cooper or Toyota Yaris will dwarf this vehicle. Side by side with the Smart car, something as big as a PT Cruiser will look like a Hummer, or a yacht.

As unique as this car is, there is something undeniably familiar about it. The slope of the roof-line, the mis-proportion of the size of the wheels to the body - we've seen this before. Many, many times in fact. It is obvious upon closer inspection that the would-be breakthrough design queues of the ForTwo are heavily inspired by none other than the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. Yes, take a look at the them both, and the resemblance is clear. Stuff a bear in the trunk of the Smart car, and the two are almost identical. Maybe the name can be changed to Grand Cozy Coupe, and instead of dealerships, Daimler can make an arrangement with Wal-Mart to stock these in the section of the store near the swing-sets.

The Cozy Coupe wins the battle for fuel efficiency, with its Flintstones-style propulsion system eliminating the need for fill-ups. The Smart is not nearly as good in this area, and in fact, may disappoint. One would expect Vespa-esque mileage numbers from a such a goofy looking car, but not so. The 2008 EPA numbers for the ForTwo are 33 city, 41 highway. In a recent Car & Driver magazine test, they reported an average of 32 MPG. All of these numbers are comparable to those of my 10-year-old Civic, which incidentally holds five passengers and looks much less like it belongs on the streets of Toon Town.

So the moral of the story is that the ForTwo might not be as smart of a car as it appears, even with rising fuel prices. Maybe some people will actually like it, but my opinion is that the Smart ForTwo, much like soccer, should have just stayed in Europe.

Windhorst

On a sad note, Cleveland Cavaliers beat writer Brian Windhorst isn't well. Readers who came to Brian's blog tonight hoping to find his coverage of the NBA draft were greeted instead by a somber headline "Brian Windhorst recuperating from illness at area hospital". According to the post, Brian's family asks that his readers "keep him in their thoughts".

Now, I'd like to believe that somebody was in a hurry and just forgot to finish the sentence with "and prayers"... but I wouldn't be surprised if that was on purpose. So if you get a chance, just take a little time and, um, ponder the concept of Brian Windhorst. Hopefully he'll be better in time for the random seasons in which people send greetings for no particular reason.

Local Hero Thwarts Neighborhood Parking Bully

Controversy on the cul-de-sac isn't anything new to the headlines. The hotly contested, bi-car-length strip of curb has a sour history of vehicular abuses, and it has in recent times become the center of parking instability and unrest in the troubled Park Grossmont residential district.

Some readers may recall during late 2007 when a GMLH investigative report first brought to light the parking atrocities that had occurred here. Our investigation got results, and an improperly parked SUV was ultimately displaced, following months of oppression. At the time, there was optimism that parking peace was restored, but recently, that optimism has faded.

The trouble occurs during late afternoon, when residents are returning from work to a mostly empty cul-de-sac. In recent weeks, GMLH editors have observed that the owner of a Suburban-type vehicle often arrives first, and does his best to park in the exact center of the parking area. When so positioned, there is no room to park any normal four-wheeled vehicle on either end of the girthy 'burban. A primo parking space is thereby available when a priviledged friend arrives shortly thereafter, and the Suburban is moved back a few feet... unless somebody comes along before then, with determination and a very short wheel-base. This is what you can see happening in the picture above.

To recapitulate, the cul-de-sac region has been long prized by the native motorists. When positioned properly, up to two (2) vehicles may be parked simultaneously on the cul-de-sac with ease. It's proximity to the housing units equates to shorter walks from car to apartment at the mercy of to the vicious raw conditions of the San Diego climate. It's also under the light of the neighborhood security lamp; this provides the peace of mind of knowing that your car will be burgled only by bold, confident and/or very high car thieves.

These advantages aside, it is just like any other section of a street, and the Bari Ct. cul-de-sac has always been available on a first come first serve basis. For now, one resident seems to have found a way to save parking for other members of his household, but tonight, our neighbor with the manuevarable Nissan Versa has taken a stand against parking tyranny.

Talking to Myself About Bad Writing Technique

Q: How come you are writing in this hokey Q&A format?
A: Oh, that's just a gimmick I use when I'm not up to the task of constructing full paragraphs, expressive of coherent thoughts. It distracts the reader from the content's inadequacies.

Q: You do realize that's not your own original idea, right?
A: Of course! Two sports writers prominent amongst my readership do this all the time. It wasn't even my idea to spoof the format. Stole that too.

Q: So, who is supposed to be asking the questions?
A: I guess it's me writing down a conversation with myself. When Terry Pluto does articles like this, it always makes me wonder if he is lonely.

Q: Do you have some sort of problem with Terry Pluto? He's a good guy, and I don't understand where all this animosity is coming from.
A: I'm not sure where it comes from either; I admit that it is unprovoked.

Q: Ok, but you're right. Those Q&A articles are a disgrace.
A: I know! I know! And he's been defiling Northeast Ohio's newspapers with them my whole life! Something should come out of his salary every time he submits one.

Q: Yeah!
A: (chuckling)

Q: (unable to come up with anything, presented with this unexpected conversational stall)
A: So, I went to a Padres game the other night.

Q: Good for you.
A: You should really be ending your sentences with question marks to make this flow better. You're the one with the "Q:" in front. This would be a good time to maybe ask a question about the Padres or something.

Q: Can we switch?
A: I don't think Pluto ever does that... but I guess we can try it.

A: This is weird.
Q: And more difficult than I expected.

A: (clearing throat)
Q: Oh right. Um, so how about those Padres?

A: Well, for one thing, the Padres camouflage alternates are the best jerseys in sports today.
Q: What makes them so great?

A: They are great because they simultaneously promote three things that make life good. This jersey is a threefold physical representation of Catholicism, the US military, and baseball.
Q: Great point. Alright, changing the subject, why hasn't there been any content on this blog lately?

A: That is an excellent question!
Q: And that was not an answer.

A: Yeah, but that wasn't a question. You cheated.
Q: This is getting ugly. Time to wrap it up?

A: Yes.

Happy Birthday Crispin Glover!

Forty-four years ago this day was born Crispin Glover, the actor who brought to life the character George McFly, who gives title to our ramblings.

Back to the Future made a deep impression on my life. Any time I'm walking down the street trying to get somewhere, I wish I had a skateboard on which to latch on to a car going my way. Any time I drive past an empty mall parking lot at night, I can't help but think of Doc Brown and how those Libyans found him.

When I was younger it was all about Marty - the guitar, the skateboard, the life preserver. When I matured I found the meat of the film not in Marty, but in his father. Clumsy, awkward, and unconfident, George McFly is the portrait of inadequacy. He has talent and a moral strength but is afraid of failure. Through the mentoring of his own son, ironically, he faces his fears and triumphs.

Facing life's challenges, I am inspired by George McFly's struggle. At GMLH we strive to open the car door of the world and yell, "hey you, get your damn hands off her!"

Crispin Glover went on to other outstanding performances. I find this video particularly inspiring.

LIVE BLOG POST FROM SAN DIEGO AIRPORT!

With the Pope's visit to the USA, the term "popemobile" is once again working its way into everyday conversation. I have always enjoyed hearing about the popemobile. As far as I know, there are only two figures in history who have demonstrated a consistent ability to maintain “mobile” status for their personal transportation. One of them is the Pope; the other is Batman. Sure, there are other Mobile's out there, like the BookMobile, and the Oscar-Meyer Wiener Hot Dog Mobile. The passengers of these vehicles, though, are either inanimate objects or just anonymous stiffs (with all due respect to librarians). Only the Pope and Batman can shoulder the weight of a Mobile bearing their title. Even the President of the United States doesn’t roll in a Mobile, although I think that the public would be accepting of a "George W-Mobile" to replace Air Force One.

Tampa Bay

Those who follow baseball may have noticed something different about the Tampa Bay organization this season: The "Devil Rays", no longer satisfied with mediocrity, have officially shortened the name of their franchise to just "Rays". Words like "deck chairs" and "Titanic" come to mind, but some people are pretty excited about the change, at least according to a story on the team's website. Reportedly, the name was announced during a big ceremony, attended by thousands, in St. Petersburg. Kevin Costner was there with his band and everything. "We are now the 'Rays' - a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida," said Stuart Sternberg, the team's principal owner."

This is where there comes to be some cause for concern. When I first heard the name Rays, I was thinking they still had some sort of fish as their mascot. It seems unclear exactly what Mr. Steinberg is now referring to when he mentions this "beacon that radiates". From what is known about the Rays organization, it is a troubling development. The Rays shouldn't be allowed to have a radiating beacon. The Governor should do everything he can to stop the radiation from contaminating his entire state, and pursue national relief particularly for the Tampa Bay region.

The Devil Rays placed last in their division in each of the past three seasons, and so with the new name, the Rays are now just two letters away from being exactly like the Royals. Maybe someone is trying to secretly clone the Royals. If, in the near future, there is some announcement about how Tampa Bay is going to be called the O'Rays, we will know.

The Fellowship of the Rings, as seen through Frodo's facebook newsfeed

Gandolph wrote on your Wall: "hey wats up frodoe i'm gonna be in the shire this weekend for bilbos party. you gonna be around?"

Gandolph, Sam, Merry and Pippen are attending the Event "Bilbo Baggins' Birthday Party".

Merry is chillin' with G-dolph this weekend.

Sauron added "hobbits" to his interests.

Sam has added you to his Top Friends. Click here to become Top Friends with Sam.

Sam, Merry and Pippen all left the group "The Shire".

Sauron has thrown a Nazgul at you using Superpoke! Add the Superpoke! application to Dropkick, Slap, Lick or Throw a Sheep at Sauron!

Pippen is sooooooooooo hungry right now.

Sam has bought a round of drinks for you using Top Friends on Facebook! Add Top Friends and buy the next round!

Aragorn has added you as a friend on Facebook. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, friends with Aragorn.

Sauron has sent you an invitation to become a Wraith! Join the Wraiths and help fight everything good in Middle Earth! Do you want to become a Wraith?

Arwen has requested you to confirm the following friendship details: You know Arwen through Aragorn.

Pippen would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Pippen on the Oregon Trail?

Aragorn is in a relationship with Arwen, and it's complicated.

Gandolph has invited you to join the Group "The Fellowship of the Rings".

Sam would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Sam on the Oregon Trail?

Gimli is now friends with Legolas.

Gollum wrote on your Wall: "Give us the Precious!"

Sauron would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Sauron on the Oregon Trail?

Sam added The Mines of Moria using the "Where I've Been" application.

Boromir added new photos to his album "Orks, Orks, Orks!"

Gimli has left the Group "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate Elves!!!"

Sauron has invited you to put on the Ring of Power and then join him in a game of World Conquest. Click here to play World Conquest with Sauron.

Thoughts on the Toreros' Season

It sure was fun while it lasted, wasn't it? USD fans now face the return to harsh reality, as their beloved Toreros' wild ride to March Madness has come to an abrupt, heartbreaking end. There is an empty feeling that is impossible to ignore throughout the entire city of San Diego, as residents return to the minutia of the daily grind, left only with the memories of a special season...

Memories...

The screams of Toreros basketball fans are still echoing in the rafters of Jenny Craig Pavilion. "GO TOREROS! GO!"

Yes, Jenny Craig Pavilion. Throughout the gloom of winter, San Diegans knew the one place to go where they could always find the heat; a place where they could forget about their daily troubles, and just catch a good game of ball. A place where they could come and be proud to be fans; a venue with a name which now haunts opposing coaches at night in their dreams; the Torero's cherished home ground: The Jenny Craig Pavilion.

If you're not a local, then you might not understand, but in a hard working town like San Diego, basketball means something. You see, in this part of the country, there's not always a lot to look forward to; most folks have taken so many hard knocks that it's hard to get excited about something so trivial as a game with a ball and a net; but the Toreros played their hearts out in spite of it all, and in so doing, they captured the hearts of a new generation of fans.

And for a little while, San Diego was a place to be. We were in the news. We were alive and united. We had smiles on our faces. We had hope...

Hope...

Playing in a little town like San Diego, it's difficult to get national respect. The world was shocked when the Toreros, OUR Toreros!, upset heavy favorite U-Conn in the first round. Yes, the big-shot talking heads on ESPN acted surprised, but the locals knew better. We knew our Toreros could do it all along - and that with any luck they'll do it again.

Next season - it seems like an eternity from now - the Toreros will be back, and they'll be improved. It's going to be a long wait for the first "midnight madness" practice of the 2008 season, but it will come. In the meantime, Padres baseball will be back soon, and with it, the crack of the bat that reminds us that somewhere, spring has arrived.

Some people will always find a way to complain. To those people, the Toreros are just another team from San Diego that couldn't win the big game. Yes, it's fun to dream of championships, but sometimes, you've just got to take what life hands out. This year, the Toreros showed us how fun it is to be a fan again. That seems like plenty to cheer about. GO TOREROS!

Thus concludes my best imitation of what a prominent Cleveland sports journalist would end up writing about, were he to be placed in San Diego.

Beowulf

Recently I had the urge, for some reason, to read early Anglo-Saxon epic poetry. So I picked up Beowulf, partly because it's pretty short. I figured I'd get through it rather quickly and still have that great sense of accomplishment of finishing a book.

I could almost immediately see the influence it had on Tolkien: monsters and dragons, the sounds of the places and names, the hardened but virtuous warrior embarking on a seemingly hopeless journey, etc. Tolkien was the scholar who opened up Beowulf to literary criticism, going further than the mere historical or linguistic attention it had received previously. I would like to take this a step further and dare to suggest that the anonymous author of Beowulf was prophetic. Specifically regarding Superbowl IV.

Superbowl IV was the timeless matchup in 1970 between my home team, the Kansas City Chiefs, and the Minnesota Vikings, team of our esteemed commenter, "anonymous."

The obvious connection is in the team names: Chiefs and Vikings. Beowulf was written in England, but it was written about events that took place in Viking Sweden and Denmark before some of these people relocated to the British Isles. The Vikings were not a monolithic entity. They were a collection of tribes with cultural unity but local loyalties to the strongest warrior, constantly fighting one another. Beowulf, the hero of the epic, through his prowess and sheer domination, became the Chief of the Geats.

Beowulf is referred to as a chief or chieftan multiple times in the poem. Here is just one example:

The chieftain went on to reward the others:

each man on the bench who had sailed with Beowulf

and risked the voyage received a bounty,

some treasured possession.

[Lines 1049 - 1052, Seamus Heaney translation]

How true - even now. The Chiefs have a 53-man roster. Only 11 can be on the field at a time. The players who spend most their career sitting on the bench still get paid.

Although the Vikings were 13-point favorites going into the game, it ended in a 23-7 Chiefs' victory. Quarterback Len Dawson was awarded the MVP (strikingly similar to Beowulf receiving the "MVP" from Hrothgar after killing Grendel). This passage from Beowulf accurately describes the defeat of Vikings, then and in 1970:

But when dawn broke and day crept in

over each empty, blood-spattered bench,

the floor of the mead hall where they had feasted [Tulane Stadium]

would be slick with slaughter. And so they died,

faithful retainers, and my following dwindled.

[484 - 488]

After the slaying of Grendel, the Danes held a celebration in honor of Beowulf. They sang and played music for the hero, and a poet recounted for the chief the fate of one Viking tribe:

The woman wailed

and sang keens,

the warrior went up.

Carcass flame

swirled and fumed,

they stood round the burial

mound and howled

as heads melted,

crusted gashes

spattered and ran

bloody matter.

The glutton element

flamed and consumed

the dead of both sides.

Their great days were gone.

[1118 - 25]

I admit we don't have conclusive evidence to support my thesis, and nowadays the Chiefs are no team to boast about, as hinted at in the last two quoted lines. But the inquisitive reader can't help but be perplexed by the similarities between this piece of literature saturated with mystery and Superbowl IV which took place over a thousand years later.

The issue is wisely signalling for a fair catch...

There is an interesting story on ESPN today about the demise of the NASCAR moustache, and the apparent direct relationship existing between mustaches and victory. The story goes on to suggest that goatees may be the new direction of NASCAR facial hair, and in support of this theory mentions that "many of our heroes sport goatees", and lists "Count Von Count" as an example of such a goateed "hero". Questionable reasoning, but I still recommend the story because I appreciate the author's extensive mustache-related vocabulary; for example, "cookie duster", "nose neighbor" and "soup strainer" are all there. You can also find a nice gallery of mustaches along with the story.

Hopefully this post will appease belligerent commenters.

The Life and Death of a Coffee Table

There are many great things about life as a bachelor. One of them is the flexibility for innovation in home décor.

When I relocated to San Diego three years ago, I loaded up a U-Haul with furniture I had accumulated over the years, and some pieces that my family no longer had use for. I unpacked and settled into my suburban apartment, and soon realized I had nowhere to prop my feet while sitting on my couch watching TV. After carefully deliberating all the options at the local Wal-Mart, I finally decided on the cheapest coffee table available.

By the world's standards, she wasn't the most beautiful coffee table. It had no glass top or handy compartments; no fancy ornamentations or legs that curve inward and outward and resemble animal paws. Coasters were not necessary. It was just a slate of common wood with four legs.

But this simple surface soon became an integral part of the apartment's life. Roommates eventually moved in and our domestic activities centered around this shared table. We put our beverages on it and it graciously held the remote control.

Occasionally the table would take some abuse. It had to be moved quite often to make room for working out in the living room, which took a toll on its poor legs. From time to time one roommate would, in his enthusiasm for inflicting punishment, throw another roommate into the table. Our coffee table quietly endured these trials and held together - for a while. It's aged limbs would become weary and wobbly. Duct tape held her together for a while, but as you can see in the picture, we eventually had to amputate.

After the surgery, it was difficult to adapt. Meals weren't quite the same. Drinks would slide to the floor. I could never find the remote.

One day that happy summer, upon returning from the beach, we discovered that a cooler, coupled with a shoe box, made a perfect Styrofoam prosthesis for that crippled coffee table. She was as level as she was on the day I assembled her. We had a place to put things again. It was just like old times.

The remaining months were peaceful, but it became apparent that although our coffee table was level again, it was in the waning moments of its life.

Friends, tonight this table held its last drink, its last book and its last foot. Fare thee well, dear coffee table. Fare thee well.

Report : Annual George McFly Editorial Staff Directional Conference

San Diego, CA: "Why has there has been a noticeable reduction in content on this blog?"; "When it comes to funny news about animals, is there such a thing as "over coverage"; "How do I log onto 'blogger' and make a post?" - These were the types of issues being addressed at the annual George McFly's Left Hook Editorial Directional Conference, held today in San Diego, CA. The entire editorial staff gathered for a special session of brainstorming and team-building exercises ( read "cooperative Halo mission), determined to search for new ways to be excellent to readers. The conference was not to end until ideas were found. In the end, after hours of deliberation, something valuable has emerged from that conference - something other than the scores of empty take-out containers and countless cigarette butts. What emerged was Inspiration. To follow is an item-by-item summary of the high profile issues addressed.

Item 1: Animals

This was a particularly emotional subject at the conference. Voices were raised, feelings were hurt - but in the end it was a good thing; the air has been cleared and we can move forward. We have concluded that this blog has given all that it owes to the world on the subject of animals, canines in particular. Going forward, anticipate drastic cuts in dog-material. Progress is already showing: some of our more alert readers may have noticed the conspicuous lack of coverage of the recent trend in which pets at risk of self-harm are "increasingly being prescribed anti-depressants because they cannot discuss problems in their lives with others". This blog uncharacteristically glossed over the entire issue, even though a vet is quoted in the story saying "we try to break the cycle by using Prozac… (which) is given to the parrots in liquid form". This story, and others like it might be expected to miss the cut for this blog in the future.

Item 2: Appointment of Honorary Blog Mentor, Bob (aka "anonymous" in the com box)

We were pleased to have our new blog mentor with us, conferenced in from overseas via Google-Talk. Bob's qualifications include past residence within the GMLH headquarters, innumerable comments to GMLH posts, and the distinction of having literally picked up and thrown each member of the editorial staff onto the GMLH coffee table, in separate incidents. His recommendations at the conference included the acquisition of a portrait of Magnum PI to adorn the walls of GMLH headquarters ( to boost morale, I guess ), and he also mentioned something about why Darin should throw me onto the coffee table and break it.

Item 3: Slackers

From the time of this blog's inception, one of the most frequent reader complaints has been the lack of productivity from Darin. It came out during discussions at the conference that he considers himself "really good at the layout" for the blog. As admirable as Darin's skills and contributions to the layout of the blog are (10 months ago), more is expected, and it was agreed that he should at least relearn how to log onto the "blogger" site.

Item 4: Should this blog have an over-arching, unifying theme?

There are a number of directions this blog could take. For one thing, we'd like to see it take on some of the bigger issues facing the world today. And not only take them on, but tackle them; this blog should tackle the issues hard. The issues should need to leave the field on a stretcher after this blog tackles them. Perhaps there will be the occasional issue that manages to limp away half supported by a teammate, as the crowd politely applauds for encouragement, but there is no way that the issue will be able to return to that game, and it will be getting an MRI the next day, and could likely miss the rest of the season.

Item 5: "blog juice"

It was brought up that some of our finest work has been produced under the influence. During the season of Lent, some of the staff have been cutting back on consumption, and this has decidedly hurt the blog. Tonight we found a work-around by determining that it was close enough to the commuted celebration of a Solemnity on the Catholic liturgical calendar, and therefore drinking was excusable.

You are now witnessing the unprecedented spike in blog content resulting from Item 5. The conference appears to have been a success.

Video Game Review: Fly a Helicopter

One of the disadvantages of the whole blogging industry is that blog entries must be compiled on a computer, and moreover, a computer with internet access. This tends to create opportunities for distraction, and can be a downfall to bloggers. For instance, there is an online game called "Fly a Helicopter". There is only one control in the game, and that is to depress the left mouse button. As long as the left mouse button is held, the helicopter will rise. Upon release of the mouse button, following a short lag, the helicopter will drop. The screen scrolls from right to left, and the helicopter must be flown up and down to avoid crashing into the ground, the ceiling, and treacherous floating green things. As long as you don't crash, you accumulate points.

There have been no posts on this here blog in the last month, but I defy anyone to come up with a score higher than my 3,581 points.

This Week in Movies

Here's the yahoo! movies synopsis for "In the Name of the King", opening this weekend:

"An unspeakably evil army rampages across what was an idyllic, peaceful world, destroying everything in its path, looking to conquer the mighty Castle Ebb and vanquish the King himself! Amidst this backdrop of war in the Kingdom of Ehb, between the evil Gallian and the ruling King Konreid, a once simple family man named Farmer sets out to find his kidnapped wife, Solana, and avenge the death of his son, who was killed by animal warriors called Krugs."

This is going to be like a combination of "Lord of the Rings" and "Braveheart", ground up, mixed with various curing ingredients, flavorants and colorants, and processed into a savory hot dog of cinematic perfection. If nothing else, it's got a rampaging, unspeakably evil army in its favor (as evil as the armies were in the Lord of the Rings movies, they were still speakable, so this is going to be a first). You should also be pretty fired up about the mighty Castle Ebb, located in the Kingdom of Ehb. Personally, I can't wait to see all the Krugs. The most important thing about this movie though, and for some reason the marketers aren't touting this, is that Burt Reynolds plays the King himself! At least I think so; he's listed as "King Konreid" and there are no other Kings in the credits, so one must assume this is the case. "In the Name of Burt Reynolds, the King". That's better.