Regarding Shorts and the NBA

In America today, football has reached such a height of popularity that faithful allegiance to an NFL franchise is perceived as not only normal, but almost a virtue which one might brag about. It is no longer just "OK" to spend a couple hours watching football on Sunday, rather it may be something expected of a normal, healthy adult. In contrast, the NBA fan is treated with a reaction of polite curiosity, such as might be given to a pronounced model railroading enthusiast.

These are hard times for the NBA. It has many objectionable attributes that turn normal people away and continuously discourage their return. And so today, when a league very close to my heart is in the midst of the blackest of times, it seems appropriate to take a moment and try to say something nice about the NBA. Like, for example, think of what shorts would be like today in a world where the NBA never happened. Go find some family photography from 1991, and you will get to remember what your uncle's bare upper thighs looked like. The truth isn't pretty, but fortunately sometime roughly during the early nineties basketball players started wearing baggy shorts. You should be able to remember that during that time you were sitting on the couch, wearing what could be described as Daisy Dukes by today's standards, and rooting against the unruly Michigan Wolverines and their baggy trousers. Fact is, people from all walks of life wore short-shorts all the time back then, and thought nothing of it. Eventually, somebody from the NBA was to come along and suggest a better way; the world would change for the better.

Right now you might be saying, "George, the Michigan Wolverines were not in the NBA", which is an excellent point. The "Fab Five" Michigan recruiting class may be suggested by some to have invented baggy shorts. I do not hold this to be the case. The Wolverines were responsible for mainstreaming the concept in collegiate basketball, but they introduced a trend existing previously elsewhere and were not the first to wear baggy shorts. If credit must be given to the Wolverines, it arguably goes to their assistant coach Brian Dutcher, an unsung hero who made the courageous decision to lengthen the shorts. It was a shrewd maneuver to appease the prized freshmen, at the expense of the disapproval of many in the public. According to Fab Five historian Mitch Albom, the following conversation took place between Dutcher and the team's equipment manager:

"Hey, Bob. When you order this year's uniforms, get an extra four inches on the shorts, OK?"

"An extra four inches?"

"Yeah."

"On the shorts?"

"Right."

"If you say so."

As much trouble as this would bring to the team, the players had already recognized that baggy shorts are superior to short shorts, and were merely happy to be emulating a man who had blazed the path before them - that man is, of course, Michael Jordan.

Yes, from my research, I conclude that if any lone figure in history may be credited with the success of the shorts revolution of the early nineties, it has to be Michael Jordan, and he gained that credit while in the NBA. He never would have needed to don the baggy shorts when he was in college, because it was not until the pros that he wanted baggier shorts to fit over his favorite North Carolina college shorts. This is confirmed in Micheal Jordan and Bugs Bunny's cinematic triumph, "Space Jam", as follows:

Scene: [Michael Jordan needs someone to get his basketball gear]

Michael Jordan: Don't forget my North Carolina shorts.

Daffy Duck: Your shorts? From college?

Michael Jordan: I wore them under my Chicago Bulls uniform every game.

Looney Toones characters in unison: Eeewwww!

Michael Jordan: I washed them after every game!

Looney Toones characters in unison: Yeah, okay.

Michael Jordan: I did!

Michael wore baggy shorts - in the NBA - and was the first to do so. I guess that's my point. Thus concludes my term paper about shorts. Anyone out there who is struggling through final semester exams, feel free to print this off and hand it in. Just add your name, and a title, like "On the Nature of Shorts".