The Fellowship of the Rings, as seen through Frodo's facebook newsfeed

Gandolph wrote on your Wall: "hey wats up frodoe i'm gonna be in the shire this weekend for bilbos party. you gonna be around?"

Gandolph, Sam, Merry and Pippen are attending the Event "Bilbo Baggins' Birthday Party".

Merry is chillin' with G-dolph this weekend.

Sauron added "hobbits" to his interests.

Sam has added you to his Top Friends. Click here to become Top Friends with Sam.

Sam, Merry and Pippen all left the group "The Shire".

Sauron has thrown a Nazgul at you using Superpoke! Add the Superpoke! application to Dropkick, Slap, Lick or Throw a Sheep at Sauron!

Pippen is sooooooooooo hungry right now.

Sam has bought a round of drinks for you using Top Friends on Facebook! Add Top Friends and buy the next round!

Aragorn has added you as a friend on Facebook. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, friends with Aragorn.

Sauron has sent you an invitation to become a Wraith! Join the Wraiths and help fight everything good in Middle Earth! Do you want to become a Wraith?

Arwen has requested you to confirm the following friendship details: You know Arwen through Aragorn.

Pippen would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Pippen on the Oregon Trail?

Aragorn is in a relationship with Arwen, and it's complicated.

Gandolph has invited you to join the Group "The Fellowship of the Rings".

Sam would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Sam on the Oregon Trail?

Gimli is now friends with Legolas.

Gollum wrote on your Wall: "Give us the Precious!"

Sauron would like you to join his expedition on the Oregon Trail. Will you join Sauron on the Oregon Trail?

Sam added The Mines of Moria using the "Where I've Been" application.

Boromir added new photos to his album "Orks, Orks, Orks!"

Gimli has left the Group "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate Elves!!!"

Sauron has invited you to put on the Ring of Power and then join him in a game of World Conquest. Click here to play World Conquest with Sauron.

Thoughts on the Toreros' Season

It sure was fun while it lasted, wasn't it? USD fans now face the return to harsh reality, as their beloved Toreros' wild ride to March Madness has come to an abrupt, heartbreaking end. There is an empty feeling that is impossible to ignore throughout the entire city of San Diego, as residents return to the minutia of the daily grind, left only with the memories of a special season...

Memories...

The screams of Toreros basketball fans are still echoing in the rafters of Jenny Craig Pavilion. "GO TOREROS! GO!"

Yes, Jenny Craig Pavilion. Throughout the gloom of winter, San Diegans knew the one place to go where they could always find the heat; a place where they could forget about their daily troubles, and just catch a good game of ball. A place where they could come and be proud to be fans; a venue with a name which now haunts opposing coaches at night in their dreams; the Torero's cherished home ground: The Jenny Craig Pavilion.

If you're not a local, then you might not understand, but in a hard working town like San Diego, basketball means something. You see, in this part of the country, there's not always a lot to look forward to; most folks have taken so many hard knocks that it's hard to get excited about something so trivial as a game with a ball and a net; but the Toreros played their hearts out in spite of it all, and in so doing, they captured the hearts of a new generation of fans.

And for a little while, San Diego was a place to be. We were in the news. We were alive and united. We had smiles on our faces. We had hope...

Hope...

Playing in a little town like San Diego, it's difficult to get national respect. The world was shocked when the Toreros, OUR Toreros!, upset heavy favorite U-Conn in the first round. Yes, the big-shot talking heads on ESPN acted surprised, but the locals knew better. We knew our Toreros could do it all along - and that with any luck they'll do it again.

Next season - it seems like an eternity from now - the Toreros will be back, and they'll be improved. It's going to be a long wait for the first "midnight madness" practice of the 2008 season, but it will come. In the meantime, Padres baseball will be back soon, and with it, the crack of the bat that reminds us that somewhere, spring has arrived.

Some people will always find a way to complain. To those people, the Toreros are just another team from San Diego that couldn't win the big game. Yes, it's fun to dream of championships, but sometimes, you've just got to take what life hands out. This year, the Toreros showed us how fun it is to be a fan again. That seems like plenty to cheer about. GO TOREROS!

Thus concludes my best imitation of what a prominent Cleveland sports journalist would end up writing about, were he to be placed in San Diego.

Beowulf

Recently I had the urge, for some reason, to read early Anglo-Saxon epic poetry. So I picked up Beowulf, partly because it's pretty short. I figured I'd get through it rather quickly and still have that great sense of accomplishment of finishing a book.

I could almost immediately see the influence it had on Tolkien: monsters and dragons, the sounds of the places and names, the hardened but virtuous warrior embarking on a seemingly hopeless journey, etc. Tolkien was the scholar who opened up Beowulf to literary criticism, going further than the mere historical or linguistic attention it had received previously. I would like to take this a step further and dare to suggest that the anonymous author of Beowulf was prophetic. Specifically regarding Superbowl IV.

Superbowl IV was the timeless matchup in 1970 between my home team, the Kansas City Chiefs, and the Minnesota Vikings, team of our esteemed commenter, "anonymous."

The obvious connection is in the team names: Chiefs and Vikings. Beowulf was written in England, but it was written about events that took place in Viking Sweden and Denmark before some of these people relocated to the British Isles. The Vikings were not a monolithic entity. They were a collection of tribes with cultural unity but local loyalties to the strongest warrior, constantly fighting one another. Beowulf, the hero of the epic, through his prowess and sheer domination, became the Chief of the Geats.

Beowulf is referred to as a chief or chieftan multiple times in the poem. Here is just one example:

The chieftain went on to reward the others:

each man on the bench who had sailed with Beowulf

and risked the voyage received a bounty,

some treasured possession.

[Lines 1049 - 1052, Seamus Heaney translation]

How true - even now. The Chiefs have a 53-man roster. Only 11 can be on the field at a time. The players who spend most their career sitting on the bench still get paid.

Although the Vikings were 13-point favorites going into the game, it ended in a 23-7 Chiefs' victory. Quarterback Len Dawson was awarded the MVP (strikingly similar to Beowulf receiving the "MVP" from Hrothgar after killing Grendel). This passage from Beowulf accurately describes the defeat of Vikings, then and in 1970:

But when dawn broke and day crept in

over each empty, blood-spattered bench,

the floor of the mead hall where they had feasted [Tulane Stadium]

would be slick with slaughter. And so they died,

faithful retainers, and my following dwindled.

[484 - 488]

After the slaying of Grendel, the Danes held a celebration in honor of Beowulf. They sang and played music for the hero, and a poet recounted for the chief the fate of one Viking tribe:

The woman wailed

and sang keens,

the warrior went up.

Carcass flame

swirled and fumed,

they stood round the burial

mound and howled

as heads melted,

crusted gashes

spattered and ran

bloody matter.

The glutton element

flamed and consumed

the dead of both sides.

Their great days were gone.

[1118 - 25]

I admit we don't have conclusive evidence to support my thesis, and nowadays the Chiefs are no team to boast about, as hinted at in the last two quoted lines. But the inquisitive reader can't help but be perplexed by the similarities between this piece of literature saturated with mystery and Superbowl IV which took place over a thousand years later.

The issue is wisely signalling for a fair catch...

There is an interesting story on ESPN today about the demise of the NASCAR moustache, and the apparent direct relationship existing between mustaches and victory. The story goes on to suggest that goatees may be the new direction of NASCAR facial hair, and in support of this theory mentions that "many of our heroes sport goatees", and lists "Count Von Count" as an example of such a goateed "hero". Questionable reasoning, but I still recommend the story because I appreciate the author's extensive mustache-related vocabulary; for example, "cookie duster", "nose neighbor" and "soup strainer" are all there. You can also find a nice gallery of mustaches along with the story.

Hopefully this post will appease belligerent commenters.

The Life and Death of a Coffee Table

There are many great things about life as a bachelor. One of them is the flexibility for innovation in home décor.

When I relocated to San Diego three years ago, I loaded up a U-Haul with furniture I had accumulated over the years, and some pieces that my family no longer had use for. I unpacked and settled into my suburban apartment, and soon realized I had nowhere to prop my feet while sitting on my couch watching TV. After carefully deliberating all the options at the local Wal-Mart, I finally decided on the cheapest coffee table available.

By the world's standards, she wasn't the most beautiful coffee table. It had no glass top or handy compartments; no fancy ornamentations or legs that curve inward and outward and resemble animal paws. Coasters were not necessary. It was just a slate of common wood with four legs.

But this simple surface soon became an integral part of the apartment's life. Roommates eventually moved in and our domestic activities centered around this shared table. We put our beverages on it and it graciously held the remote control.

Occasionally the table would take some abuse. It had to be moved quite often to make room for working out in the living room, which took a toll on its poor legs. From time to time one roommate would, in his enthusiasm for inflicting punishment, throw another roommate into the table. Our coffee table quietly endured these trials and held together - for a while. It's aged limbs would become weary and wobbly. Duct tape held her together for a while, but as you can see in the picture, we eventually had to amputate.

After the surgery, it was difficult to adapt. Meals weren't quite the same. Drinks would slide to the floor. I could never find the remote.

One day that happy summer, upon returning from the beach, we discovered that a cooler, coupled with a shoe box, made a perfect Styrofoam prosthesis for that crippled coffee table. She was as level as she was on the day I assembled her. We had a place to put things again. It was just like old times.

The remaining months were peaceful, but it became apparent that although our coffee table was level again, it was in the waning moments of its life.

Friends, tonight this table held its last drink, its last book and its last foot. Fare thee well, dear coffee table. Fare thee well.

Report : Annual George McFly Editorial Staff Directional Conference

San Diego, CA: "Why has there has been a noticeable reduction in content on this blog?"; "When it comes to funny news about animals, is there such a thing as "over coverage"; "How do I log onto 'blogger' and make a post?" - These were the types of issues being addressed at the annual George McFly's Left Hook Editorial Directional Conference, held today in San Diego, CA. The entire editorial staff gathered for a special session of brainstorming and team-building exercises ( read "cooperative Halo mission), determined to search for new ways to be excellent to readers. The conference was not to end until ideas were found. In the end, after hours of deliberation, something valuable has emerged from that conference - something other than the scores of empty take-out containers and countless cigarette butts. What emerged was Inspiration. To follow is an item-by-item summary of the high profile issues addressed.

Item 1: Animals

This was a particularly emotional subject at the conference. Voices were raised, feelings were hurt - but in the end it was a good thing; the air has been cleared and we can move forward. We have concluded that this blog has given all that it owes to the world on the subject of animals, canines in particular. Going forward, anticipate drastic cuts in dog-material. Progress is already showing: some of our more alert readers may have noticed the conspicuous lack of coverage of the recent trend in which pets at risk of self-harm are "increasingly being prescribed anti-depressants because they cannot discuss problems in their lives with others". This blog uncharacteristically glossed over the entire issue, even though a vet is quoted in the story saying "we try to break the cycle by using Prozac… (which) is given to the parrots in liquid form". This story, and others like it might be expected to miss the cut for this blog in the future.

Item 2: Appointment of Honorary Blog Mentor, Bob (aka "anonymous" in the com box)

We were pleased to have our new blog mentor with us, conferenced in from overseas via Google-Talk. Bob's qualifications include past residence within the GMLH headquarters, innumerable comments to GMLH posts, and the distinction of having literally picked up and thrown each member of the editorial staff onto the GMLH coffee table, in separate incidents. His recommendations at the conference included the acquisition of a portrait of Magnum PI to adorn the walls of GMLH headquarters ( to boost morale, I guess ), and he also mentioned something about why Darin should throw me onto the coffee table and break it.

Item 3: Slackers

From the time of this blog's inception, one of the most frequent reader complaints has been the lack of productivity from Darin. It came out during discussions at the conference that he considers himself "really good at the layout" for the blog. As admirable as Darin's skills and contributions to the layout of the blog are (10 months ago), more is expected, and it was agreed that he should at least relearn how to log onto the "blogger" site.

Item 4: Should this blog have an over-arching, unifying theme?

There are a number of directions this blog could take. For one thing, we'd like to see it take on some of the bigger issues facing the world today. And not only take them on, but tackle them; this blog should tackle the issues hard. The issues should need to leave the field on a stretcher after this blog tackles them. Perhaps there will be the occasional issue that manages to limp away half supported by a teammate, as the crowd politely applauds for encouragement, but there is no way that the issue will be able to return to that game, and it will be getting an MRI the next day, and could likely miss the rest of the season.

Item 5: "blog juice"

It was brought up that some of our finest work has been produced under the influence. During the season of Lent, some of the staff have been cutting back on consumption, and this has decidedly hurt the blog. Tonight we found a work-around by determining that it was close enough to the commuted celebration of a Solemnity on the Catholic liturgical calendar, and therefore drinking was excusable.

You are now witnessing the unprecedented spike in blog content resulting from Item 5. The conference appears to have been a success.